Port Rock City

Dispatch Rant #2

2011-10-05T09:57:00.000-07:00

I. Upping your game

There’s a big backlash to what The Phoenix has referred to as “the Karaoke Culture” in Portland. I have to say that I agree with a lot of the arguments, but not all. The reality is that people like what they know; this has been true since the dawn of man. This, however, is not the sole reason people aren’t coming out to see live, original music. Aside from the economic downturn, a lot of the responsibilities lie on the artist’s shoulders. My suggestion is not to complain about people not coming to see original music, but rather to go out of your way to make damned sure that the next time you play people will want to be there. I remember when Rustic was in it’s prime in the late 90’s and we would quake with fear when we’d find out that Motor Booty Affair was playing the same night because we knew they would draw like crazy! It’s easy to not have your act together and then point to acts that are doing well and blame them for your lack of success; it’s actually a classic Portland condition. For every artist who has made a name for him/herself in Portland, there is a stable of detractors, drinking their PBR pounders and pontificating about how much the successful people “suck” or asking, “how come I’m not on the radio?” Well, I can’t say why exactly, but I bet if they spent more time upping their game rather than complaining about someone else’s success, they’d be in a better position. There are two appropriate quotes to end this section. a) “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” —Anonymous; and b) “We’ve upped our standards, up yours.” —Dave Gutter. Classic.

II. Delivering more/expecting more

You’ve done your bit and made sure your show and imaging are amazing, and you’ve effectively promoted it both online and on the streets. IF (and only if) you’ve done all these things, then it is well within reason for you to lean on the booking agent or promoter of the clubs you’re playing to make sure they are doing their jobs. Too often have I seen bands do nothing for themselves and then blame the club when no one shows up; conversely, I’ve just as often seen clubs do nothing for a show and blame the band’s draw. If you are doing a great job promoting, then you have an obligation to make sure the venues are doing their part. Sure, even if everyone is hitting on all cylinders there will still be nights when the club is empty, but it takes everyone doing their best all the time to make things work over the long haul. To accept failure is to be an adult; to prepare for failure is to be pathetic.

III. Times are tough, work harder

I know it’s hard out there, and these days, it seems as though you have to work five times harder for about half as much in return. It’s a super bummer when you put all that work into a show and do your best to let people know about it and no one shows up. Believe me, I know ALL about that. The deal is that the market is incredibly competitive right now — there are a lot of venues, a lot of shows and a very limited pool of expendable income in our community. That’s why you need to work harder to give people a reason to choose your CD or show as THE CD or show to spend their hard-earned cash on.

There are a couple of things working against us right now that are out of our control — one is the economy, and the other is the World Wide Net. For every bit of good that has come out of the accessibility of information on the Internet, there has been a terrestrial entity that has suffered as a result (retail, photography, radio, magazines to name a few). As I was discussing this with a friend (a restaurant owner here in Portland), I mentioned how hard it is now to sell records and get people out to shows. He kind of gave me a “mah, well, you know” response, to which I retorted, “Just count your blessings that people haven’t figured out how to download sandwiches for free yet.” It’s true! As musicians, we are constantly faced with the daunting task of coming up with all the capital and energy required to finance a band and its recordings, yet it seems more and more impossible these days to get people to throw down for either the record or the show.

It’s funny, too, because Portland is nationally recognized as a great music and food community. Yet so much money is dumped into the restaurant industry, and so little poured into the music community by comparison. How can we rectify this? I don’t want to take away from restaurants; I want to add to music.

I don’t pose to have a solution to these problems. I just wanted to reach out and say, “Yeah, it’s tough, but let’s keep slugging away.” It is my firm belief that the music community in Portland is an unstoppable force. I know there’s a solution out there; I just haven’t put my finger on it yet. To quote my Lord and Savior James T. Kirk, “I don’t believe in no-win scenarios.” AMEN!

IV. Good Job, Jim Begley

Good job, Jim Begley.

V. Everything can’t be amazing, all the time

Ease up on the superlatives people. Seriously, I’m getting a sugar headache over here. A golden giraffe wearing an Iron Maiden T-shirt flying through the air atop a 4,000-pound whoopie pie being chased by the ghost of John Belushi in a DeLorean is “amazing.” Your bagel is simply “tasty.”

Time for a smoke and a pancake.

Love,

Spencer

Just a few subtle summer reminders!

2011-07-19T15:08:00.001-07:00

We are in the throws of a beautiful Maine summer so I just wanted to remind our campers of a few rules that are being overlooked. I won't mention any names, but you know who you are!

1. Sidewalks are for walking, not cycling (Didn't you learn anything in the other Portland?)
2. Turn signals...use them.
3. Being alone in your Rav4 and blasting electronic music from your shitty system with the sub woofer farting out is more embarrassing that being caught by your mom masturbating at a Justin Bieber concert (while wearing a Dr. Phil T-shirt and eating Taco Bell.)
4. Socks and sandals=nope.
5. "Allowing" scooters, bicycles and pedestrians to go by waving them on at a 4 way stop when it was their turn to go makes you look like...how shall I say this... like an "asshole."
6. Is it ever really so hot that you need to walk shirtless down Congress St?
7. No, I don't have an extra cigarette.
8. Offering people "Summer Jobs for the Environment" by printing 45,000 11x17 posters and stapling them up all over town is, let's say, counterproductive...at best.
9. People from cruise ships won't spend a dime at your restaurant, stop telling your employees differently.
10. Riding your extremely loud Harley down the streets of Portland and blasting the engine sucks for everyone but you. Please report to the nearest old-school bike gang fight. Unless of course you're a lawyer. (It's funny how so often, the people that can afford things are so seldom the people that deserve them.)
11. Dear hipster-punk-rat-hippies: When it warms up, we can smell it.
12. If you're begging for change, you shouldn't have a dog.
13. It might be a little creepy to hang out near the kids fountain/pool in Deering Oaks if you're not with a child. Just sayin'.
14. I have nothing against illegal drugs or their tradespeople. That said, is it too bold of me to suggest that Postman's Park is to obvious a location for free range pharmaceutical vending...especially unprovoked. Let's keep it to a dull roar. If you don't know people personally that sell drugs, you don't probably shouldn't buy them. Likewise the opposite.
15. Remember, if you're running a free outdoor concert series and you get the best bands in Portland to play it for free, make sure to place the beer garden as far away from the stage as possible. That really helps keep the front clear for the crazy people who will give the kids TB.
16. Use sunblock, drink water and be safe out there.
Love,
-spencer

Dispatch Rant #1

2011-07-18T19:46:00.001-07:00

I. Stop Going on Tour of Portland

II. Good Job Lauren Wayne

III. Stop Complaining About a $5 Cover

IV. I Dare You to Go Out and Listen To a Band You’ve Never Heard Before

Let's get down to brass tacks.

I. Stop Going on Tour of Portland

You've made a CD, record, EP or whatever. You're proud of it, your girlfriend loves it and your parents probably paid for it. The point is you've created something and there's a general sense of excitement around it. There's a favorable write up of your work in one of the local magazines, Mark gives it a few spins on Spinout and you book your CD release show. You put up five million posters, blast the hell out of Facebook and drum up a ton of buzz about your show. You play your CD release party and all your friends, family and a bunch of fans show up and the show is GREAT! The club owner is psyched, you're psyched, EVERYONE IS PSYCHED! Now you:

a) Law low and wait for the next good opportunity to play a good club on a good bill that will be promoted properly that will honor your hard work and provide the best listening experience for your fans.

b) Book a bunch of shows all around town, all within a week or two of each other, gutting out your draw and eventually reducing your audience pull to nothing until no one will book you and your band breaks up. Orrrrrr...

c) Break up immediately.

If your going for the Mission of Burma approach and want a small handful of people to hold you in the highest regard then c) is your only option. If you're looking to ruin everything then choose b). Thusly, if you're looking to sustain a career, we can see that a) is the only option.

Obviously I'm not talking about TV appearances and radio spots, these are great opportunities, especially if they're used to promote a killer upcoming show in town. I'm talking about having a show on the books, then taking a gig solo acoustic, opening up for your buddy for free a few days before your headlining show that you're charging $5-$10 for. Then a couple weeks later you're going to play that sweet free show that the City offered you in Monument Square and then 5 days after that you're offered an opening slot for a national act and then later the next month you book another headlining show at your favorite club and SURPRISE, 17 people come. Here's why: It's no longer "special" to see you because people have the "nah, I can see them for free anytime" attitude. Plus the people have “brand fatigue”. They may just be sick of seeing your name everywhere all the time.

Let's put it in more of a business perspective. How often do Cake or Wilco come to Portland? Once a year tops? Hell, even Badfish and Soulive limit their Portland appearances to 3 or 4 times a year. Furthermore, would you rather play 20 times and make $50-$100 each time or play twice and make $500-$1000 each time? The choice is clear, now smarten up and get famous. We're depending on you.

II. Good Job Lauren Wayne

Good job Lauren Wayne.

III. Stop complaining about a $5 cover

Every time I go out to a show, I pay the cover. Of course I occasionally have had friends put me on the guest list and I appreciate that, but those instances aside, I reach in my pocket every time. Why do I do this? Because I know how expensive it is for a musician to put on a show.

Strings, sticks, picks, space rent, van registration, insurance, guitars, cables, mics, practice PAs, keyboards, drums, hardware, software, recording a record, mastering the record, duplicating a record, printing shirts, making posters… by the time any musician even hits a stage they’ve shelled out thousands of dollars to get there. I’m not looking for special treatment or sympathy, but I just want to put things in perspective.

If you needed your toilet fixed, would you not expect to pay the plumber? After you eat, do you not pay your bill? If you find a shirt you like, do you steal it? When you’re at a concert, don’t you buy drinks? The point is that musicians work harder for less than any other group of people I know.

Stop being insulting (and looking like a jerk) by complaining about a cover charge equivalent to one beer. If $5 is too much for you, then you probably can’t afford to go out anyway, so you might as well stay home and listen to your Creed CD and drink a 6 pack of Twisted Tea (sorry Kevin) by yourself. Or you could go down to the Old Port and do Jello shots and do the gun/hand thing every time the gunshots happen in “Paper Planes”. I’ll be paying my cover, thanks.

IV. I Dare You to Go Out and Listen To a Band You’ve Never Heard Before

This may sound hypocritical coming from someone who essentially promotes a weekly cover song party, but I promise you, seeing new music doesn’t hurt. In fact it feels good! Just imagine if you were at a concert for the first time a band played a song that soon became the song that everyone around knows! You would have been at that show and could lean over to your friends and say “I saw these guys when they played this song for the first time”. Everyone would think you were cool and would buy you drinks and people would find you attractive. People would then look to you to show them what is cool and before you know it, you’d have your own reality show and clothing line and would be rich and famous and powerful. I dare you to be powerful, go see live original music.

Time for a cup of tea. See you at the show.

Love

-spencer

Kanye West and Jamie Foxx: Not as big a deal as they said they were!

2009-10-15T00:18:00.000-07:00

Excuse the interruption. I know I promised the first installment of WRONG PORTLAND! as my next blog post, but as it turns out I was inspired. I just can't help but notice that neither Jamie Foxx, nor Kanye West turned out to be as big a deal as they both had originally heralded.

Firstly, Kayne:

OK, Golddigger is a pretty pimp jam and all, and as a slightly emo white kid from an artsy town, I will admit that the whole teddy bear/next level N.E.R.D./tight pants/lazers/sunglasses you would wear to the White Heart presentation of his records was inviting. However, one would have to produce tracks and rap with the power and grace of the Christ-child Himself in order to live up to the hype produced by Kanye.

a) nice pink sweater
b) nice underbite
c) does anyone wish that Fiddy really settled the score the way he REALLY would have preferred?
d) stop trying to "sing"

Jamie Foxx:

Living Color? Kinda funny, sometimes. The Ray Charles movie? A pretty mediocre portrayal of a tortured artist. Ultimately, I'd give the whole movie a C+, even though everyone LOVED it because he did his own singing. You know what? I think Olivia Newton John did her own singing in Xanadu, but I don't see anyone sucking her dick for that. As far as I can see, Jamie Foxx's film career is skipping the bottom like a rock tossed across a pond by an armless sick child, and his singing career was better suited when it was referred to by it's old name: KARAOKE.

PS: That's the top of the microphone dipshit, do you eat from the side of your fork too? Put down the microphone and read the script for Saw 6, or 7, whatever the fuck is next.

Let us look to great actors and musicians who spend their time being awesome by actually producing great work, rather than talking about it (See Tom Petty, Don Cheadle, Javier Bardeem, Q-Tip and Leonard Nimoy.)
PS: j/k/lol/not really/of course I'm kidding/no I'm not/YES I AM/ no, I actually kinda like Leonard Nimoy... a lot/not really/yes/it's hard to type a blog while masterbating to old episodes of Star Trek.

Love
-s

THEM CROOKED VULTURES

2009-10-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, it seems too good to be true. Josh Homme (Queens of the Stoneage), Dave Grohl (Nirvana, Foo Fighters) and John Paul Jones (from...ummm...OH RIGHT, LED FUCKING ZEPPELIN) all in one group couldn't possibly live up to the sum of it's parts. News flash kids: Not only is it awesome in theory, it's awesome in execution.

We traveled down to Boston (no doubt the subject of 'I Fucking Hate This Shit' Vol. 2) to the House of Blues last Sunday to catch the show. What other band could play to a capacity crowd after posting a 13 second and a 59 second YouTube clip and sell out a 2500 seat theater? The age of the crowd was totally mixed and when JH introduced the band, the room came unglued for JPJ. It was nice to see that the young'uns still recognize.

The band played for about and hour or so, no encore. All the songs were all original and by what I can remember, pretty excellent. I had to pry myself away for 45 seconds for an unavoidable pee break (damn you PBR) but otherwise, my attention was totally glued to the stage. The mix was solid, despite a lack of clarity in the low end, though that could have been due to where we were sitting.

It was nice to see JPJ move around so freely on so many instruments. Bass was the mainstay, but he also played keys (with bass pedals!) mandolin (?) and some sort of weird ass multi string slide bass custom jobby. Dave Grohl, well, you know what he did and Josh Homme did a fantastic job holding down both the lions share of the guitar parts and lead vocals, despite being ill. Alain Johannes was masterful in covering all the extra goodies (bass, guitar, keys, vocals) although secretly, I hope he looses a hand in a bagel cutting accident and recommends me for the job.

All killer, no filler. I very much look forward to the upcoming studio record.

Next post: WRONG PORTLAND!: A celebration of folks who found their way to the wrong coast.
Bring your beard, fixed gear bike, vintage glasses frames, overuse of superlatives, girls jeans (with one leg rolled up), apathy, love for fleeting moments, shitty bands and succinct, insignificant interests!

I Fucking Hate This Shit

2009-06-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

#1: Ocean Gateway

Thank Sweet Baby Jesus we didn't spend this money on something useful like a functional public transportation system or public wireless internet. I searched for quite a while online for a photo that actually captures the design of this "gateway" in all of it's hideous glory, but alas, all I could come up with was this photo of what, on the onset, looks like a Concord Trailways station on the water...minus the customers. I would like to know which Nanington Coat Factory suit wearing, comb-over asswipe green lighted what is now the biggest piece of trash on the Maine coast, but I do know this: This was MILLIONS of OUR dollars spent on a NON EXISTENT line of income. That, and it looks like shit. Among the many "design features" of this abomination, my favorites include large rocks painted silver (because nothing screams "Maine Coast" like a set from the Outer Limits) and an actual stairway that leads to... NOWHERE! At least oil spills can be cleaned up. We're going to be stuck with this useless eyesore for God knows how long.
BTW: Nice clock tower A-Holes.

Thinking on the other side of the fence for a minute, I suppose there was a need to create a new port for a non existent Kathy Lee Gifford and the throngs of Carnival Cruiseline followers that aren't sitting in the Bay waiting to walk aimlessly up and down Commercial St. to spend their Summer fun money on lobster claw key chains while slipping in frat boy vomit and getting lured into DeMillo's for some reheated Sysco product.

Other great ideas by the focus group that brought us this ghost of an idea surrounded by a fortress of unused parking garages and soon to be abandoned hotels include:

-Constructing the world's largest bag in hopes that money will fall in to it.
-A granite fountain in the middle of 295 so you can throw quarters in as you whiz by at 65 and make wishes in addition to simply paying a toll.
-A high speed train that drops you off just outside of Tory Hill in hopes that someone will build an anything there.
-An off ramp that dumps you into a Holiday Inn in the middle of a field just outside of Saco (actually got that one through)
-Digging a hole where Westbrook and Gorham now stand creating "The NEW Grand Canyon." Take that Arizona. (Runner-up names included "The Grandest Canyon", "The Biggest Hole In The World", "Resting Place for Young Mainer's Dreams" and (my favorite) "The Grande Canyon," so subtle.)

#2 The University of Southern Maine: Gorham Campus

Here's the pitch:
Let's create a branch of the University of Maine System and try to lure all of the creative, "arty-type kids" with our "art" and "music programs", but get this... let's put it 11 miles outside of the actual city where they could actually get a job, take in culture and otherwise have fun and express themselves. AND (get this there's more) we'll give them a FREE ride to and from the city in an antiquated AMHI bus that runs on a schedule that's completely irrelevant to their class schedules and STOPS running at 10:30 pm. Drank until last call? GOOD LUCK!

WAIT! There's more... Don, tell them what they've won...

Once stranded on our fraternity infested, cinder block concentration campus, we'll provide you with an AMAZING selection of Mal-Fry soaked "onion" rings and/or doughy, undercooked pizza delivered to you by one of the lucky 14 students fortunate enough to actually get into the work study program. Your days will be filled with life changing seminars from a combination of over qualified, underpaid professors (that want to kill themselves every time your class mate says something like "So what Plato is saying is that you should, like, try to be nice to, um, each other and stuff and you should try to look for answers to, um, like, your problems...from...um...within yourself?") or sweaty former jocks that got their teaching degree by accident and are now wearing pleated pants, eating burgers everyday for lunch and are responsible for getting young people interested in the English language (I already didn't really read "Ordinary People" in high school, thank you very much.)

STILL ALIVE? Don't worry, we'll DAZZLE you with entertainment including showing you 3 Fast, 3 Furious on a shitty screen in a lecture hall and we'll get your favorite sucky local band to play in the snack bar every 3rd Wednesday of the month at 7:30 p.m. Now THAT's a party! RIGHT!?!

And when you want to learn more you can go to either:
A: The USM Law Library

Which was designed without the WEIGHT OF THE GODDAMNED BOOKS IN MIND AND DOESN'T HAVE ALL THE RESOURCES YOU NEED IN IT (true), not to mention it's FUCKING ROUND, therefore rendering it a COMPLETELY INEFFICIENT space in which to store SQUARE THINGS (see: BOOKS.)
OOOOOR...
B: The Albert Brenner Glickman Family Library

Three cheers for the designer of this library. HIP HIP!! FUCK OOOOOFFF! Was the model for this building done in LEGOS? Is the actual building MADE out of LEGOS? I had the pleasure of conducting an interview with the designer, Katie Newscomb, Aged 2 1/2, of Buxton, ME, where I really got to the depth of her inspirado.

PRC: Katie, thanks for taking the time!
KN: mah gi wanna feel eo tach!
PRC: Absolutely. So, when you were approached to take this project on what were your initial thoughts? Were you excited to take a break from the teat to take on an endeavor to create an attractive learning environment for some of Maine's brightest up and comers?
KN: *gurgle*
PRC: Priceless. Were you able to strike a deal with the people at LEGO to get a bulk rate on the building materials at a reduced rate, or were you forced to clean out the shelves of every Ames in the state and pay market value? Did you have to pay more for the translucent LEGOS?
KN: mwah...ahhh pount.
PRC: Please, elaborate.
KN: (squints)
PRC: Did you just shit yourself?

#3: The Portland Public Market

I just don't know what went wrong here. We placed an instantly outdated poorly designed building with a pay parking garage attached, right in the middle of a maze of intersections of one way streets and tried to lure Portland's upper crust (of which there are 32) in to buy overpriced Maine Made goods. And ALL within pissing distance of the homeless shelter. I mean, really...where did we go wrong?

My solution? Have the dickless brokers that sold us this piece of shit give all the money they made to the Preble Street Resource center and sit them down right in front of this abandoned house of glass, give them a saws-all, a bib and a table setting and make them EAT every last scrap. Upon completion, we'll all celebrate by sacrificing their daughters at a live performance by OCEAN in Monument Square.

#4: The Unnecessary Stop Sign on the corner of Pine St. and Winter St.

When I confronted Councilman Dave Marshall about this abomination he coyly asked,

"Where do you live?" to which I replied,

"Off Peninsula." To which HE glibly reported.

"Well, my constituents love it." To which I responded,

I've lived in this fucking town, for 15 years. Three of them were on Pine street. I now work in the West End and spend the lion's share of my money there and I can tell you the NO ONE, upon NO FUCKING ONE likes this stop sign.

I'm not sure what constituents he's referring to. Perhaps he was able to ferret out 5 or 6 half dead veterans who "are tired of all these damned kids with their razor bikes blasting through my neighborhood while I try to limp up to Cumby's, probably for the last time, to buy a single serving sized container of skim milk that'll probably go bad because no one comes to see me anymore." Otherwise, the rest of us who are actually trying to function in this neighborhood are made WHITE FUCKING HOT with anger every SINGLE TIME we have to bring our shitty used cars to a COMPLETELY unnecessary stop halfway up Pine St.

Seriously, is councilman Marshall being courted by lobbyists from brake pad companies? No offense Dave, you're a nice guy and all, and I wouldn't want your job in those chambers, but I fucking hate this sign...A LOT.
Runners up:
-The stop sign on Portland Street by the old Natasha's
-The stop sighn on Congress St near Material Objects that spills out into two one way streets that lead AWAY from Congress.
-5 corners near USM LAW (see #2).

#5: The Portland International JETPORT

I've had the pleasure of seeing all of these United States save for North Dakota, Hawaii and Alaska. I've learned many things about our great nation. One of them is that we're the only city with a fucking JETPORT. Where are the Jestons? While we're at it, let's rename Maine Med "The Sick People Get Better Place" and 95 could be called "The Horseless Carriage Path You Can Go Fast On." Come on folks, let's at least give ourselves a fighting chance to not be the pooerst state in the union.

#6 No Chains Except Dunkin' Donuts, Starbucks and Subway in the Uptown.

Time to make me go nuts! Well, even though I can't go to Urban Outfitters or an Apple Store or an American Apparel (or any number of other chains that would actually attract young people to Portland) I can at least rest assured that I'll be able to go into any of these evil fucking empires and pay top dollar for their shitty food and drink.

Nothing makes me feel more at ease with our City planners than seeing toothless, obese women in floral tank tops order Dunkachinos while I can't buy anything of any relevance to the mass youth culture of America without going to South FUCKING Portland. The chains we have downtown suck, and you've forced the people, who by the way are GOING to go these stores one way or another, to drive off peninsula and make their purchases in the Sopes. Time Lag Records, The Queen of Hats, Empire Dine and Dance, Material Objects, Pom's Thai Taste and myself all thank you for the reduced foot traffic. How long until we get a downtown Applebees?

#7: The Station

Nothing, upon nothing makes me want to go see live music less than a cavernous basement club filled with pool tables and white trash. The bar in this "all ages" venue is a half mile from the "stage" and the "sound system" looks and sounds like a gaggle of random gear bought from dance clubs in Old Orchard Beach that closed down. The staff is rude, the re-admittance rules are ridiculous, the beer selection is shitty, there's no good sight lines, it sounds like shit, it's in a strip mall and it is ABSOLUTELY the LAST place I would let my children go unattended. You'd be safer delivering them right to a meth lab in Lewiston. I can't tell you how embarrassed I am that with all the great music in this town, the only places we can invite our younger fans to see us is either at a grange hall or in a grimy shit hole that adults shouldn't even go to (see: The Station). I recently went to see Sondre Lerche play at The Station. Immediately after he played, I approached and told him that I couldn;t believe that
a) he played in Portland, ME (thank you! And)
b) that he played at The Station.

Picture zooming about the whole country in your van, going from city to city and arriving in Portland, ME (at a strip mall) where the only things in walking distance are a Dunkin' Donuts, a Sav-A-Lot and the Cumberland County Jail (I know Buckdancer's Choice and The Drum Shop are in that mall, but I'm trying to illustrate a point here.) More often than not, when on tour, you arrive in time for a sound check (roughly 6:00pm) and then spend the next few hours within a small radius of the place you're playing before the show.

Not being familiar with Portland, Sondre probably had no idea that just up the street were a vibrant array of great restaurants, shops and clubs. Instead, he most likely drove away from Portland thinking "That town is a strip mall and a Greyhound Station." Then he goes back to his agent and says "Portland sucks," because not that many people came out to the show (because no one wants to go to The Station as it's completely off regular concertgoers' radar) and it was in a strip mall. The agent then keeps that in mind and when he's routing tours for My Morning Jacket and MGMT, or whomever he also books, he grazes over Portland in the itinerary because in the back of his mind he's thinking "not worth it." Thus, we get even less touring acts through Portland and are left with cover bands and dinosaur acts (see: Blue Oyster Cult) to get our rocks off to.

What would have happened if Sondre had played SPACE Gallery instead? Perhaps more people would have come? Perhaps Sondre would have had fun and come back? Maybe more bands would tour here as a result. Portland needs to get their liquor licensing together such that The Station isn't the only place where you can have an all ages show with beer service. I can't wait for this place to close. When it does, I'll be the first person standing on it's grave, cackling and rolling around on the ground in sheer GLEE!

#8: GRAB BAG!
The following are a list of things I'd love to see removed from Portland forever.
-Cat Dancer
-The Smoothie Place that's trying to live where Green Mountain Coffee used to reign supreme.
-Everyone who isn't eating lunch in Tommy's Park.
-Bull Feeney's
-Gritty's Beer
-The Old Port
-Everyone who goes to UNA when Royal Hammer ISN'T playing.
-St. Patrick's Day
-Old Port Fest
-1:00am last call
-No late night ANYTHING
-New Year's Eve
-Norm
-That dog art place on Congress
-That bullshit "art" outside of Rosie's that is supposed to look like ocean waves but actually serves as a source of injury for children. Good thing they took away those benches and grass!
-The General Store on Middle St.
-Yoga (not really, I just suck at it.)
-The girl who hits on EVERYONE that walks through the door of the Congo 7-11
-The name and decor of Hot Suppa. The food is so much better than you'd think.
-The Phoenix feeling the need to constantly compare new records and artists by pitting them up against other local artists. It's irrelevant and it doesn't help. We're all just trying to make our way here, ok?
-Guitar Center
-Forest Ave.
-Forest Ave.
-Forest Ave.
-Forest Ave.
-Forest Ave.
-Forest Ave.
-That fucking prick that hangs out with Brendan and tries to make you feel like your band sucks. (no, not Norm, the other guy.)
-The Eastland Park sign that's always broken and reads EATLAND.
-The "Public Transportation System"
-ABC Taxi
-The Stadium
-The lack of poster boards
-Potholes
-White People

Love
-s

blechhhh

2009-05-29T00:52:00.000-07:00

I am officially breaking up with both HULU and Gravina.

Rain Clouds, A Bottle of Gravina and HULU.

2009-05-28T09:32:00.000-07:00

I've always been a night owl, but ever since I started bar tending at Local 188, it's really gone over the edge. Noon is the new 9:00am and dawn is the new bed time. After sharing a few short hours with the people I love after they get out of work, they usually dissolve into PJ mode just after dinner (aka: my lunch) and toddle off to bed. This of course leaves me wide awake and for the most part, friendless for the coming hours.

Fret not. Obviously, one can only cry alone in the basement for so long before finding a way out. Meet my new best friends.

These guys are great. I love Gravina for it's delicious drinkablilty, crisp flavor and low price (under $10 at most every reputable wine dealer, thanks Joe from Portland Food Coma) , and I love HULU because it has countless hours of brain draining skits, TV shows and movies that keep me somewhat current in pop culture references with the rest of the world. Sometimes people like to break in to a chorus of "I'm on a Boat" and were it not for HULU, there would be no nautical themed pashmina afgans for me.

Also were it not for HULU and wine I wouldn't have gone to Taco Town, got Jamie hooked on the new Dr. Who, watched nearly as many Obama addresses, reaffirmed Alec Baldwin as my hero OR been so confused by how Kristina Wiig makes me squirm with laughter and discomfort AND gives me a boner.

So HULU and wine, here's to countless overnight hours of laughs, tears, rediscovered classics and misguided erections!
I need to take a vacation from my problems. Anyone want to go see Star Trek...

...again?

Love
-s

Spencer and the School Spirit Mafia

2009-05-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

Probably seems redundant to write about my own band in my own blog, but holy shit, I love these people. On Memorial Day we got together with my favorite photographer of all time Matt Robbins and took our first ever, all 11 members, group photo. What was amazing is that this shot was achieved in roughly one hour soup to nuts and nobody cried.

There's really something to be said for assembling a Super Group in which everyone is super talented and everyone has an "up for it" attitude. I remember Jamie (the blonde on the left: vocals, trombone, keys AND guitar) asking what she should be looking like, to which I responded "It's your face, do what you want.

I encourage you all to check out all these people's Facebook pages and learn more about them, because each and every one of them are incredibly talented and very special to me.

Megan Jo Wilson
Holly Nunan
John MacLaine
Charles Gagne
Dominic Lavoie
Stu Mahan
Sean Morin
Katherine Albee
Emily Dix Thomas
Jamie Colpoys

All killer, no filler.

Love
-s

Buffalo Wing-tini!

2009-05-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

I know I'm more of a music and arts-centric blog, but from time to time something crosses your lips that you simply MUST write about. This little doozy comes to us from our friend Joe Ricchio at Portland Food Coma. It's (very cleverly) called the BUFFALO WING-TINI!!!

Here's Joe's recipe:

3oz Grey Goose Vodka
1/2oz Olive Juice
8 dashes of Frank's Red Hot

Shake over ice and serve straight up with olive and pepper garnish and a wet nap.

Now when Joe told me about this drink and how delicious it was, I had a hard time believing him. After about a half an hour of cajoling, I finally caved and ordered one. Man was I wrong. Joe really knows his drinks, and even though this sounded completely disgusting, it was a real treat for the senses. Thanks Joe for your terrific idea and for convincing me to try something new. THE BUFFALO WING-TINI!!!

Love
-s

Ten Portland People To Keep Your Eyes On

2009-05-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

Here's a list of ten Portlanders who have either a) been bringing the thunder for years or b) have a storm a brewin.

1) Kyle Gervais

Kyle historically has fronted Cosades, who split, but now fronts Grand Hotel. He works at the mall and lives with his babe of a girlfriend. He, in my opinion, is the best performer in town and to boot, he's a killer dude. He'll even come back to your house the morning after the big party to clean the puke off your front steps. Thanks Kyle!

2) Dominic Lavoie

Fronts Dominic and the Lucid, is an awesome classic rock DJ, has a pug, sings like an angel, smokes a lot of pot and is pretty sure he was abducted by aliens at some point in his life. Dominic would love to listen to a David Bowie record with you. I can't wait to see what he has tucked up in his little flannel wizard's sleeve.

3) Patrick Corrigan

Pat is art. Painting, drawing, sculpting, performing, music..ing? A renaissance man whose work has and will continue to shape the way Portland looks and feels. We're lucky to have him.

4) Lauren Wayne

Concert promoter, DJ, rager, facilitator of good times, babe. If you've seen a show here by a non local that you loved, she probably made that happen. Lauren nearly single handedly keeps Portland from being totally boring.

5) Ian Paige

Books SPACE Gallery, plays music, does psychedelic drugs, has probably NEVER given anyone the finger. Ian tirelessly seeks out people doing innovative things and gives them an avenue to express themselves, sometimes for profit. How cool is that?

6) John MacLaine

wait for it...

...there it is. John plays trombone, sings, plays percussion, can dissect complex horn and string arrangements by EAR, gardens, has a dog, two fish, a turtle AND works for the government saving the environment. What did YOU do today?

7) Dilly Dilly

Sings, writes songs, remixes jams, tours, plays ukulele, drums, guitar, trumpet and THE FUCKING SAW and she can do it all sober. Check please.

8) Aren Sprinkle

Aren loves The Everly Brothers and Roy Orbison. She writes songs, plays guitar and when she sings, I DARE you not to cry. She is a super positive, super powerful person that is small enough to fit in your pocket.

9) Davis Drown

Paints, drums, sings, uses potty. At his age all I could do was shit my pants.

10) Frank Bishop

Frank is an attorney, writer, foodee, a lover of film and family man. He's well on his way to being Maine's most arts-friendly lawyer. With more people like Frank in the world, we'd have less to fear.

Love,
-S

How cool is THIS guy? #1

2009-05-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

Initially I kind of had this pipe dream about having a blog that would allow me to rant on and on endlessly about the things around town that drive me fucking nuts. While I still kind of do that to a certain extent, I came to the realization that if I wanted to continue to be able to work in this town or walk down the street without getting my face bashed in or be able to put out a record without it being absolutely slandered in the press, that I'd need to keep the pointed criticism to a minimum.

So I was left with my thoughts (often a scary premise) and decided to listen to my inner hippy and use my energy for something positive. That's why I've decided to start profiling people about town that I admire. These are people that are constantly holding it down, doing their own thing and AREN'T dicks. By dick of course I would mean people like that shit show of a human being Norm Jabar (Jafar? Who knows, who cares, he's a dick) who owns The Downtown Lounge and both of the Norm's restaurant locations and is constantly subjecting local goddess Katie Schier and all of his customers to his idiotic rants and shitty loud music. No I will not be focusing on unwanted children like Norm but rather celebrating the coolness of people like...

MARK BELANGER
How cool is THIS guy? #1

Mark Belanger is a musician, a drinker of beer and a maker of glass who is currently collecting unemployment. Does he rock? YES. Is he cool AND nice? YES and YES. Does he know how to abuse government financial relief? YES.

Mark can often be seen walking about town listening to music on his headphones. If you approach Mark, you will be greeted with pleasant, funny, bright and relevant conversation. Mark also fronts a band called PIGBOAT. Guess what they do. THEY ROCK. With what do they rock?

WITH THIS:

And when he was in high school, he looked like this:

So I ask you, all of you. HOW COOL IS THIS GUY?

Pretty fucking cool, methinks.

Love
-s

Live long and go fuck yourself.

2009-04-30T23:53:00.000-07:00

Am I excited about the new STAR TREK movie? You bet your saggy tits I am. There was once a time that I would not mention this in public. I would hang my head and laugh uncomfortably, much in the same way I would imagine a closeted homosexual would, whilst the jocks took the piss out of my beliefs and feelings in front of all the pretty girls and boys. You know what? The tables have turned my friends.

Now all the jocks that thought they were king shit back in the day find themselves not playing sports so much these days, but watching them. and as for their hottie cheerleader girlfriends/wives. Well...

Best of luck with that.

While you're taking a moment to ponder the last time you actually saw your dick, ponder this. An entire legion of nerds, myself included are going to go to the opening night of this movie, not with this gal,

but rather these gals...

Nerds:1
A-Holes: Zip

And by the way, A-Holes, make sure you put enough butter topping on our popcorn when we come through the concession line. We'd hate to have to speak to your manager.

and also...

Assholes, I present...YOUR MOM.

(This is a picture of your mom about to blow my little cousin's best friend. After she made them lunch, in between them playing rounds of Guitar Hero, right before she has to stop to run to the bathroom and take a monster crap because she had "too much Sanka this morning" and not too long before your dad leaves her for one of his "drinking buddies.")

The needs of the many out way the needs of the few...or your mom.

Heart,
-s

ASSAULT KITCHEN: Biggest Fatty!

2009-04-29T09:10:00.001-07:00

So this winter's drinking binge has come to a grinding and sobering halt with the realization that myself and my fellow ASSAULT KITCHEN members have done only one thing successfully this winter; gain weight. The end of this sunless, excercise free, freezing and depressing Maine winter was fitfully punctuated by Jon Deitz and Joe Ricchio's Chef Death Match.

A week or so later (but only a few days after we actually finished cleaning up the the shit storm left behind at Joe and Jon's) Joe comes up with a great idea. It's time for him to slow down on the drinking and lose some weight. In typical Ricchio fashion, he treats this like he would any other social situation (lets all stay up until 3:00am drinking and ordering PJ's: of course we're all happy to oblige) he invites (see: ropes) myself, Jon and Matthew Taylor to participate in what we are now calling ASSAULT KITCHEN: Biggest Fatty.

What's ASSAULT KITCHEN? Simply put, AK is Myself, Joe, Jon, Matty, "Bob Piper" and Nolan Stewartinvading your home and cooking your food when you're least expecting it (pilot episode to follow soon.) What's Biggest Fatty? That's us. It's six of Portland's most excessive individuals taking a stand for themselves and entering into a competition to see who can lose the most weight in a month. Why not all six of us? Piper and Nolan couldn't be reached (aka: aren't fat.) Here are the stats:

The 4/25/09 Weigh in:
Matty T. 209 lbs Height 5'10"
Spencer A. 183.6 lbs Height 5'9 1/2"
Joe R. 274.8 lbs Height 6'1"
Jon D. 209.8 lbs Height 6'2"

Clearly I'm at a disadvantage here, whereas Joe could lose 80 pounds and be somewhat closer to his birth weight but if I lost the same, I'd be dead (or a model...hmmmmm.)

Here's what I have going for me.

-Jon isn't actually fat ("This is the worst shape I've ever been in" AKA: "I'm so grossed out by the way my gut is now barely visible over the top of my Calvin Klein boxer/briefs.")

-Joe completely lacks self control ("It's not about drinking less, it's about what you eat.)

-I can actually lose quite a bit of weight by making a few simple adjustments to my diet, exercise regimen and drinking habits.

Against me:

-Matty is a vegetarian who actually jogs (I think I just threw up in my mouth.)

-I'm lazy
-I LOVE beer
-I play soccer but hurt myself EVERY game, thus limiting the amount I can actually exercise the rest of the week.

I've already lost a few pounds since weigh in. My secrets?

-I pooped after weigh in.
-Almost no beer.
-No fast foods (see you later C-Nugs.)
-White meat and vegetables only.
-No sugar in my tea.
-Bike riding/soccer playing. When that's not possible due to injuries I ride my Vespa Ciao because at least it feels like I'm riding my bike.

I'd like to close with a memorial to the friends I'll be leaving behind on this arduous journey.

Bye for now my frosty delicious friend.

You weren't my real papa anyway.

Hummus really isn't a very good substitute.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY. See you in September fatty. Save me some chips.

Unrelated, but REALLY hard to kick.

See you later sitting on the couch and masturbating ALL DAY LONG (Thank you TIVO!)

I think the hardest thing to leave behind will be whole milk. I mean, soy in tea is fine and all, but really it's the creamy smoothness of MILK I really crave. The flavor of milk is just so round in all the right places and the way it's supple sweetness is nearly impossible to erase from my mind...

...wait, sorry, I confused milk with Naiomi Campbell's vagina.

My bad.
Love,
-s

DATE NIGHT!

2009-04-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

As it turns out, Wednesday nights are the only night that me and my live in Holly have off together without distractions. So it's every Wedensday that I do my best to cobble together a meal that looks and tastes respectable. Holly and I had a streak of dining at El Camino in Brunswick, which we love. I think (winces and braces for the impact of Joe's fist) that El Camino is the best Mexican food in Maine. Not the best I've had mind you, but the best around. That and the decor and music in there have a transportative quality. Nice job Jeff!

After breaking our chain of eat out dates, we've really tried to step up our game and have tried to make food at home. By we, of course I mean me because Holly is too busy either agonizing over which Tom Petty record to put on, showering or cleaning up Crusty Pete's poop while I cook (I'm on food detail, she does laundry. It's a good arrangement for both of us.)

A couple of weeks ago we made Wild Mushroom and Ricotta stuffed Raviolis and a traditional Marinara from scratch. The sauce took an orange-ish hue after whipping it in the blender, but it tasted amah-zing.

The next week we hosted the 7th Annual Way Too Early Bar-B-Cue (There will be a separate post on this ongoing event) which was all steaks PBRs and burgers. Any BBQ hosted without Bubbies Bread and Butter pickle slices is hardly a BBQ at all.

The next week Crusty Pete decided to cook for everyone by warming up some leftovers, which was VERY thoughtful AND delicious. How did we get so lucky? Really? Asshole.

The following meal was some sort of stuffed serrano wrapped chicken something or other which was way too heavy but delicious. This meal sent us directly to bed. Two days later I made a "pasta thingy" with ziti with sauteed cheese, shallots, garlic and orange bell peppers. Holly managed to assemble a perfect bite. We listened to Tom Petty's "Highway Companion" this night.

Last night's date night was special as we were joined by Stu who was looking forlorn and attention starved in the basement. Three's company!

We headed to Whole Paycheck and picked up the following items.

1 1/2 pounds of haddock
1/2 pound of fresh crabmeat
1 head of garlic
3 shallots
rosemary
thyme
rainbow chard
watercress
a bundle of asparagus
2 lemons
2 bottles of Chateau de Flaugergues ($16.99 retail) recommended by the Mighty Jon Deitz (Thank's Jon.)

We got home, unloaded the groceries, cracked the wine and put Burt Bacharach's soundtrack for "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" on the turntable.

I halved each of the haddock fillets and placed approximately 2 ounces of crab meat mixed with sea salt, cracked pepper, minced garlic and herbs on to each fillet and rolled them up. Placed into a baking pan and added white wine (Martin Codax Alberino to be exact, not that it matters that much) a third stick of melted butter and the juice of a whole lemon. I topped them with herbs and S+P and baked them at approximately 400 degrees (kind of a mystery considering the stove is about as reliable as the slum lord we rent our house from) for about 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, Stu cooked and mashed some Yukon Gold potatoes with herbs, butter, sea salt, cracked pepper, shallots and a horseradish mayonnaise (FUCKING YUM!)

Then I steamed some asparagus and sauteed the rainbow chard and watercress in a mix of olive oil, butter and balsamic vinegar with S+P until they started to wilt.

With everything timed pretty much perfectly, I placed the greens on each plate, layed the haddock atop each mound balanced up against a heap of Stu's Horseradish Mashed YGPs and arched steamed asparagus over the lot. Each plate was garnished with a warm balsamic vinegar and olive oil drizzle, lemon zest and S+P. We then put The Beatle's "Magical Mystery Tour" on the record player and cracked another bottle of wine.

Great pairings all around. I know some of you are like "a Languedoc with haddock? EEEEEWWWWWW!" To which I respond "Shut the fuck up, I've worked with David Bowie. BITCH!"

After the meal Holly had a Throat Coat tea and went to bed and Stu and I drank more wine, contemplated existence (WE ARE THE ALIENS!!!) and were joined by Ricchio around 2:00am and closed out the evening watching Yacht Rock until we all passed out.

PS: after crawling up to be Holly awoke and pulled the old sensi/emo card by asking spitefully, "Who came over?!? (implied sneer)."

*sigh* "Joe, goodnight cranky."

Apparently The Nunz had entertained in her half sleeping state that we were entertaining a bevy of beauties on the basement, when in reality I was three 30 somethings huddled around a computer screen in the basement talking about Star Trek.

DATE NIGHT!

Roy Orbison and Buddy Holly

2009-04-22T00:03:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the Empire Dine and Dance and my head is spinnng. No, not because I had too many drinks, but rather because my friends blew my mind. I started out the evening with a chicken parm sandwich with Holly at Sianno's on Stevens Ave then went directly to play a game of soccer with team Local 188 (lost 4 to 5, good battle) then came home, showered and reported directly to The Empire for what would become 1 of the 3 times I have been moved emotionally by musicians I know.

King Memphis took the stage tonight performing as Buddy Holly. Buddy Holly is a favorite of mine, not only because Paul and John told me to love him, but because among many other reasons "That'll Be The Day" is an incredible song. They knew these songs in and out and played them with such ferocity and grace. It's quite a thing to watch musicians you love and respect play the music of an artist they truly adore.

Here's the deal with King Memphis. All 4 fellas are incredibly talented musicians (Kris Day, WTF?!?) Matthew Robbins among these greats stands out. Not only can Matt play the shit out of his guitar, but he can also build and fix vintage motorcycles, is an incredibly talented photographer, can decorate the shit out of his home and has a hot wife. You can read all about it in my book: Matt Robbins: If I Were Only So Lucky (aka: Life The Matt Robbins Way.)

I mean really Matt, lower the bar for Christ's sake.

Also performing tonight was the most of Dominic and the Lucid as well as two members of Phantom Buffalo performing the music of Roy Orbison.

Here's the drill. I think there was something special in the air tonight, because having put Dominic and Co. up against seasoned veterans like King Memphis really made them up their game. Their newness to this material, I feel, really made them step outside the box and perform the shit out of these songs. They bounced around, trading vocals between Johnny and Dom on all the classic Roy jams you'd hope to hear, as well as a couple you may have never heard before. That was, of course until their last song. The fellas got back up on stage and ABSOLUTELY DESTROYED a verson of the Tom Petty/Jeff Lynne penned "You Got It."

There have been exactly 3 times my friends have played songs by another artist that have absolutely ruined me. One time was when Zach Jones (yes, THE Zach Jones) and friends performed a number of ELO songs up against Kyle Gervais and pals' Supertramp (Tears? Of course!) The other time was when The Everyday Visuals from Boston, MA unexpectedly pulled out a letter perfect and beautifully performed version of The Beach Boy's "God Only Knows." I was simply wrecked and needed to go out back and cry it out near the dumpster.

When these men, all of which my friends, burst into this song, I was instantly transported to another place. My head filled with thoughts of how cool it was that a man who was primarily active in the late 50's and 60's suddenly found himself with a #1 hit in the late 80's and furthermore how incredibly cool it was for a pickup band to play this song and bring the entire house down to the foundation. Remarkable job fellas, really inspiring.

Otherwise, Holly and I are incredibly excited for the new Star Trek movie and I've recently learned that feeding my dog bananas could cut down on how much of his own shit he consumes.

Also, the weather has been rainy, but nice and we're looking forward to a 70+ degree weeekend. on that note, here's some tits.

Marilyn Chambers dead at 56. Stay in school and don't do too many drugs. Thanks Marilyn.

Love
-spence

CHEF DEATH MATCH: Last Meal.

2009-04-20T12:06:00.001-07:00

I know about as much about food as my HLP Joe knows about music. That said, I was extremely proud of Joe yesterday at his annual CHEF DEATH MATCH when he relinquished the control of the musical selections played to the guests of his party. The theme of the party was to eat, drink and listen to the things that you would want to experience on your last day on earth. Due to the fact that there were about 20 participants and an additional 30 or so guests, this resulted in a playlist that ranged from ELO to Opeth and foods as disparate as pulled pork on a little fluffy bun (croquette? I dunno) to the meat shaved from the leg of a pig fed only acorns in France. There was wine and beer aplenty and everyone had a lot of everything.
After already having had a couple of beers and sharing a $70 bottle of Champagne with my sister, Tim Emery and his ladyfriend I rolled directly into the party dressed head to toe in black (at the request of the hosts) on my newly purchased 1976 Vespa Ciao

Of course I received compliments on my entrance (frankly because it was perfect) and walked in not only to be greeted by some of my favorite drinking partners, (Kate Schier and Jessica Joseph) but was handed a delicious glass of red wine (What was it? Who gives a fuck? It was delicious) and heard one of the songs I had chosen, "Low C" by Supergrass, playing in Joe's livingroom. This was the only one of my songs that I heard that day. Surely it had something to do with the fact that it was a 60+ song playlist and aided by Joe eventually abandoning the guest's and chef's selections in favor of blasting Motley Crue while spilling rose into his mouth and groping the womenfolk.
What makes my friendship with Joe so spectacular is the fact that one night we can be drinking wine in my studio watching Yacht Rock and I'll scream at him about his shitty taste in music, then the next day we'll be drinking Chambly Noir at Local 188 and he'll remind me of my "complete lack of palette" because I said I didn't think Mexico Lindo was too terrible for Mexican Food in Portland.

SATURDAY NIGHT: DEEP RESEARCH, PORTLAND, ME
JR: ...Home Sweet home is only one of the best songs in the world.
SA: (Throws down slice of Red Baron pizza on the stove) JOE! That song is appealing to morons and rapists. It is the lowest common denominator of music and it's insulting enough that I have to hear it out in the world, I will not have you laud that shit in my own home.
JR: We just have different tastes dude...
SA: NO! You know what? You have the worst taste in music in the world. I, I, I HATE ALL YOUR MUSIC!!! (drunkenly scampers to the basement and smokes quietly in the farthest corner by the washing machine, reaches in dryer to make sure his Radiohead T-shirt isn't getting wrinkled.)

SUNDAY NIGHT: LOCAL 188, Portland, ME
SA: ...I had the pork mole at Mexico Lindo the other night and it was pretty good.
JR: (spits out beer on Jessica) WHAT?!?! You're a fucking idiot. Mexico Lindo sucks so much that it makes me want to cut myself. If you think that Mexico Lindo is in any way decent Mexican food, it's clear that you know nothing about food at all, let alone Mexican Food.
SA: I just thought it wasn't that...
JR: Enough! Shut the fuck up before you say anything else stupid. Mexico Lindo is the worst fucking restaurant on the planet. I'd rather eat shit than eat there. In fact, if you eat there you're probably eating shit.
SA: OK, geesh.

Then we hugged it out and ordered some Papa John's.

All told, the music was great (but not loud enough) and the food and drink were outstanding. It's unclear but I think I got kissed by Big Jay and at some point I definitely had my mouth jammed full of bacon treats by a blond girl in her underwear followed by a Calvin Klein clad Ricchio topping it off with mayonnaise from a squirt bottle. Homoerotic? No, Just gross. Katie took pictures on her fancy cam that I'm sure will prove to be incriminating. Sarah Jump left just in time before the weiss beer took control and Jessica tried to keep me from riding my moped home. Oddly enough, despite all the evening's debaucheries, that's the only thing that brought me shame the next morning.

Before the sun set and the party dissolved into straight NC-17 behavior, we were treated to this shining example of parenting.

Though I still equate pregnancy as an STD, this somehow makes me think parenting could possibly be in my future. Still though, no. Good job cool wine dad (AKA foodie Quatto.)

Love,
-spence