Dispatch Rant #2

I. Upping your game

There’s a big backlash to what The Phoenix has referred to as “the Karaoke Culture” in Portland. I have to say that I agree with a lot of the arguments, but not all. The reality is that people like what they know; this has been true since the dawn of man. This, however, is not the sole reason people aren’t coming out to see live, original music. Aside from the economic downturn, a lot of the responsibilities lie on the artist’s shoulders. My suggestion is not to complain about people not coming to see original music, but rather to go out of your way to make damned sure that the next time you play people will want to be there. I remember when Rustic was in it’s prime in the late 90’s and we would quake with fear when we’d find out that Motor Booty Affair was playing the same night because we knew they would draw like crazy! It’s easy to not have your act together and then point to acts that are doing well and blame them for your lack of success; it’s actually a classic Portland condition. For every artist who has made a name for him/herself in Portland, there is a stable of detractors, drinking their PBR pounders and pontificating about how much the successful people “suck” or asking, “how come I’m not on the radio?” Well, I can’t say why exactly, but I bet if they spent more time upping their game rather than complaining about someone else’s success, they’d be in a better position. There are two appropriate quotes to end this section. a) “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” —Anonymous; and b) “We’ve upped our standards, up yours.” —Dave Gutter. Classic.

II. Delivering more/expecting more

You’ve done your bit and made sure your show and imaging are amazing, and you’ve effectively promoted it both online and on the streets. IF (and only if) you’ve done all these things, then it is well within reason for you to lean on the booking agent or promoter of the clubs you’re playing to make sure they are doing their jobs. Too often have I seen bands do nothing for themselves and then blame the club when no one shows up; conversely, I’ve just as often seen clubs do nothing for a show and blame the band’s draw. If you are doing a great job promoting, then you have an obligation to make sure the venues are doing their part. Sure, even if everyone is hitting on all cylinders there will still be nights when the club is empty, but it takes everyone doing their best all the time to make things work over the long haul. To accept failure is to be an adult; to prepare for failure is to be pathetic.

III. Times are tough, work harder

I know it’s hard out there, and these days, it seems as though you have to work five times harder for about half as much in return. It’s a super bummer when you put all that work into a show and do your best to let people know about it and no one shows up. Believe me, I know ALL about that. The deal is that the market is incredibly competitive right now — there are a lot of venues, a lot of shows and a very limited pool of expendable income in our community. That’s why you need to work harder to give people a reason to choose your CD or show as THE CD or show to spend their hard-earned cash on.

There are a couple of things working against us right now that are out of our control — one is the economy, and the other is the World Wide Net. For every bit of good that has come out of the accessibility of information on the Internet, there has been a terrestrial entity that has suffered as a result (retail, photography, radio, magazines to name a few). As I was discussing this with a friend (a restaurant owner here in Portland), I mentioned how hard it is now to sell records and get people out to shows. He kind of gave me a “mah, well, you know” response, to which I retorted, “Just count your blessings that people haven’t figured out how to download sandwiches for free yet.” It’s true! As musicians, we are constantly faced with the daunting task of coming up with all the capital and energy required to finance a band and its recordings, yet it seems more and more impossible these days to get people to throw down for either the record or the show.

It’s funny, too, because Portland is nationally recognized as a great music and food community. Yet so much money is dumped into the restaurant industry, and so little poured into the music community by comparison. How can we rectify this? I don’t want to take away from restaurants; I want to add to music.

I don’t pose to have a solution to these problems. I just wanted to reach out and say, “Yeah, it’s tough, but let’s keep slugging away.” It is my firm belief that the music community in Portland is an unstoppable force. I know there’s a solution out there; I just haven’t put my finger on it yet. To quote my Lord and Savior James T. Kirk, “I don’t believe in no-win scenarios.” AMEN!

IV. Good Job, Jim Begley

Good job, Jim Begley.

V. Everything can’t be amazing, all the time

Ease up on the superlatives people. Seriously, I’m getting a sugar headache over here. A golden giraffe wearing an Iron Maiden T-shirt flying through the air atop a 4,000-pound whoopie pie being chased by the ghost of John Belushi in a DeLorean is “amazing.” Your bagel is simply “tasty.”

Time for a smoke and a pancake.

Love,

Spencer

Just a few subtle summer reminders!

We are in the throws of a beautiful Maine summer so I just wanted to remind our campers of a few rules that are being overlooked. I won't mention any names, but you know who you are!

1. Sidewalks are for walking, not cycling (Didn't you learn anything in the other Portland?)
2. Turn signals...use them.
3. Being alone in your Rav4 and blasting electronic music from your shitty system with the sub woofer farting out is more embarrassing that being caught by your mom masturbating at a Justin Bieber concert (while wearing a Dr. Phil T-shirt and eating Taco Bell.)
4. Socks and sandals=nope.
5. "Allowing" scooters, bicycles and pedestrians to go by waving them on at a 4 way stop when it was their turn to go makes you look like...how shall I say this... like an "asshole."
6. Is it ever really so hot that you need to walk shirtless down Congress St?
7. No, I don't have an extra cigarette.
8. Offering people "Summer Jobs for the Environment" by printing 45,000 11x17 posters and stapling them up all over town is, let's say, counterproductive...at best.
9. People from cruise ships won't spend a dime at your restaurant, stop telling your employees differently.
10. Riding your extremely loud Harley down the streets of Portland and blasting the engine sucks for everyone but you. Please report to the nearest old-school bike gang fight. Unless of course you're a lawyer. (It's funny how so often, the people that can afford things are so seldom the people that deserve them.)
11. Dear hipster-punk-rat-hippies: When it warms up, we can smell it.
12. If you're begging for change, you shouldn't have a dog.
13. It might be a little creepy to hang out near the kids fountain/pool in Deering Oaks if you're not with a child. Just sayin'.
14. I have nothing against illegal drugs or their tradespeople. That said, is it too bold of me to suggest that Postman's Park is to obvious a location for free range pharmaceutical vending...especially unprovoked. Let's keep it to a dull roar. If you don't know people personally that sell drugs, you don't probably shouldn't buy them. Likewise the opposite.
15. Remember, if you're running a free outdoor concert series and you get the best bands in Portland to play it for free, make sure to place the beer garden as far away from the stage as possible. That really helps keep the front clear for the crazy people who will give the kids TB.
16. Use sunblock, drink water and be safe out there.
Love,
-spencer

Dispatch Rant #1

I. Stop Going on Tour of Portland

II. Good Job Lauren Wayne

III. Stop Complaining About a $5 Cover

IV. I Dare You to Go Out and Listen To a Band You’ve Never Heard Before

Let's get down to brass tacks.

I. Stop Going on Tour of Portland

You've made a CD, record, EP or whatever. You're proud of it, your girlfriend loves it and your parents probably paid for it. The point is you've created something and there's a general sense of excitement around it. There's a favorable write up of your work in one of the local magazines, Mark gives it a few spins on Spinout and you book your CD release show. You put up five million posters, blast the hell out of Facebook and drum up a ton of buzz about your show. You play your CD release party and all your friends, family and a bunch of fans show up and the show is GREAT! The club owner is psyched, you're psyched, EVERYONE IS PSYCHED! Now you:

a) Law low and wait for the next good opportunity to play a good club on a good bill that will be promoted properly that will honor your hard work and provide the best listening experience for your fans.

b) Book a bunch of shows all around town, all within a week or two of each other, gutting out your draw and eventually reducing your audience pull to nothing until no one will book you and your band breaks up. Orrrrrr...

c) Break up immediately.

If your going for the Mission of Burma approach and want a small handful of people to hold you in the highest regard then c) is your only option. If you're looking to ruin everything then choose b). Thusly, if you're looking to sustain a career, we can see that a) is the only option.

Obviously I'm not talking about TV appearances and radio spots, these are great opportunities, especially if they're used to promote a killer upcoming show in town. I'm talking about having a show on the books, then taking a gig solo acoustic, opening up for your buddy for free a few days before your headlining show that you're charging $5-$10 for. Then a couple weeks later you're going to play that sweet free show that the City offered you in Monument Square and then 5 days after that you're offered an opening slot for a national act and then later the next month you book another headlining show at your favorite club and SURPRISE, 17 people come. Here's why: It's no longer "special" to see you because people have the "nah, I can see them for free anytime" attitude. Plus the people have “brand fatigue”. They may just be sick of seeing your name everywhere all the time.

Let's put it in more of a business perspective. How often do Cake or Wilco come to Portland? Once a year tops? Hell, even Badfish and Soulive limit their Portland appearances to 3 or 4 times a year. Furthermore, would you rather play 20 times and make $50-$100 each time or play twice and make $500-$1000 each time? The choice is clear, now smarten up and get famous. We're depending on you.

II. Good Job Lauren Wayne

Good job Lauren Wayne.

III. Stop complaining about a $5 cover

Every time I go out to a show, I pay the cover. Of course I occasionally have had friends put me on the guest list and I appreciate that, but those instances aside, I reach in my pocket every time. Why do I do this? Because I know how expensive it is for a musician to put on a show.

Strings, sticks, picks, space rent, van registration, insurance, guitars, cables, mics, practice PAs, keyboards, drums, hardware, software, recording a record, mastering the record, duplicating a record, printing shirts, making posters… by the time any musician even hits a stage they’ve shelled out thousands of dollars to get there. I’m not looking for special treatment or sympathy, but I just want to put things in perspective.

If you needed your toilet fixed, would you not expect to pay the plumber? After you eat, do you not pay your bill? If you find a shirt you like, do you steal it? When you’re at a concert, don’t you buy drinks? The point is that musicians work harder for less than any other group of people I know.

Stop being insulting (and looking like a jerk) by complaining about a cover charge equivalent to one beer. If $5 is too much for you, then you probably can’t afford to go out anyway, so you might as well stay home and listen to your Creed CD and drink a 6 pack of Twisted Tea (sorry Kevin) by yourself. Or you could go down to the Old Port and do Jello shots and do the gun/hand thing every time the gunshots happen in “Paper Planes”. I’ll be paying my cover, thanks.

IV. I Dare You to Go Out and Listen To a Band You’ve Never Heard Before

This may sound hypocritical coming from someone who essentially promotes a weekly cover song party, but I promise you, seeing new music doesn’t hurt. In fact it feels good! Just imagine if you were at a concert for the first time a band played a song that soon became the song that everyone around knows! You would have been at that show and could lean over to your friends and say “I saw these guys when they played this song for the first time”. Everyone would think you were cool and would buy you drinks and people would find you attractive. People would then look to you to show them what is cool and before you know it, you’d have your own reality show and clothing line and would be rich and famous and powerful. I dare you to be powerful, go see live original music.

Time for a cup of tea. See you at the show.

Love

-spencer

Kanye West and Jamie Foxx: Not as big a deal as they said they were!

Excuse the interruption. I know I promised the first installment of WRONG PORTLAND! as my next blog post, but as it turns out I was inspired. I just can't help but notice that neither Jamie Foxx, nor Kanye West turned out to be as big a deal as they both had originally heralded.

Firstly, Kayne:


OK, Golddigger is a pretty pimp jam and all, and as a slightly emo white kid from an artsy town, I will admit that the whole teddy bear/next level N.E.R.D./tight pants/lazers/sunglasses you would wear to the White Heart presentation of his records was inviting. However, one would have to produce tracks and rap with the power and grace of the Christ-child Himself in order to live up to the hype produced by Kanye.

a) nice pink sweater
b) nice underbite
c) does anyone wish that Fiddy really settled the score the way he REALLY would have preferred?
d) stop trying to "sing"

Jamie Foxx:


Living Color? Kinda funny, sometimes. The Ray Charles movie? A pretty mediocre portrayal of a tortured artist. Ultimately, I'd give the whole movie a C+, even though everyone LOVED it because he did his own singing. You know what? I think Olivia Newton John did her own singing in Xanadu, but I don't see anyone sucking her dick for that. As far as I can see, Jamie Foxx's film career is skipping the bottom like a rock tossed across a pond by an armless sick child, and his singing career was better suited when it was referred to by it's old name: KARAOKE.

PS: That's the top of the microphone dipshit, do you eat from the side of your fork too? Put down the microphone and read the script for Saw 6, or 7, whatever the fuck is next.

Let us look to great actors and musicians who spend their time being awesome by actually producing great work, rather than talking about it (See Tom Petty, Don Cheadle, Javier Bardeem, Q-Tip and Leonard Nimoy.)
PS: j/k/lol/not really/of course I'm kidding/no I'm not/YES I AM/ no, I actually kinda like Leonard Nimoy... a lot/not really/yes/it's hard to type a blog while masterbating to old episodes of Star Trek.

Love
-s

THEM CROOKED VULTURES

I know, I know, it seems too good to be true. Josh Homme (Queens of the Stoneage), Dave Grohl (Nirvana, Foo Fighters) and John Paul Jones (from...ummm...OH RIGHT, LED FUCKING ZEPPELIN) all in one group couldn't possibly live up to the sum of it's parts. News flash kids: Not only is it awesome in theory, it's awesome in execution.

We traveled down to Boston (no doubt the subject of 'I Fucking Hate This Shit' Vol. 2) to the House of Blues last Sunday to catch the show. What other band could play to a capacity crowd after posting a 13 second and a 59 second YouTube clip and sell out a 2500 seat theater? The age of the crowd was totally mixed and when JH introduced the band, the room came unglued for JPJ. It was nice to see that the young'uns still recognize.

The band played for about and hour or so, no encore. All the songs were all original and by what I can remember, pretty excellent. I had to pry myself away for 45 seconds for an unavoidable pee break (damn you PBR) but otherwise, my attention was totally glued to the stage. The mix was solid, despite a lack of clarity in the low end, though that could have been due to where we were sitting.

It was nice to see JPJ move around so freely on so many instruments. Bass was the mainstay, but he also played keys (with bass pedals!) mandolin (?) and some sort of weird ass multi string slide bass custom jobby. Dave Grohl, well, you know what he did and Josh Homme did a fantastic job holding down both the lions share of the guitar parts and lead vocals, despite being ill. Alain Johannes was masterful in covering all the extra goodies (bass, guitar, keys, vocals) although secretly, I hope he looses a hand in a bagel cutting accident and recommends me for the job.

All killer, no filler. I very much look forward to the upcoming studio record.

Next post: WRONG PORTLAND!: A celebration of folks who found their way to the wrong coast.
Bring your beard, fixed gear bike, vintage glasses frames, overuse of superlatives, girls jeans (with one leg rolled up), apathy, love for fleeting moments, shitty bands and succinct, insignificant interests!

I Fucking Hate This Shit

#1: Ocean Gateway


Thank Sweet Baby Jesus we didn't spend this money on something useful like a functional public transportation system or public wireless internet. I searched for quite a while online for a photo that actually captures the design of this "gateway" in all of it's hideous glory, but alas, all I could come up with was this photo of what, on the onset, looks like a Concord Trailways station on the water...minus the customers. I would like to know which Nanington Coat Factory suit wearing, comb-over asswipe green lighted what is now the biggest piece of trash on the Maine coast, but I do know this: This was MILLIONS of OUR dollars spent on a NON EXISTENT line of income. That, and it looks like shit. Among the many "design features" of this abomination, my favorites include large rocks painted silver (because nothing screams "Maine Coast" like a set from the Outer Limits) and an actual stairway that leads to... NOWHERE! At least oil spills can be cleaned up. We're going to be stuck with this useless eyesore for God knows how long.
BTW: Nice clock tower A-Holes.

Thinking on the other side of the fence for a minute, I suppose there was a need to create a new port for a non existent Kathy Lee Gifford and the throngs of Carnival Cruiseline followers that aren't sitting in the Bay waiting to walk aimlessly up and down Commercial St. to spend their Summer fun money on lobster claw key chains while slipping in frat boy vomit and getting lured into DeMillo's for some reheated Sysco product.

Other great ideas by the focus group that brought us this ghost of an idea surrounded by a fortress of unused parking garages and soon to be abandoned hotels include:

-Constructing the world's largest bag in hopes that money will fall in to it.
-A granite fountain in the middle of 295 so you can throw quarters in as you whiz by at 65 and make wishes in addition to simply paying a toll.
-A high speed train that drops you off just outside of Tory Hill in hopes that someone will build an anything there.
-An off ramp that dumps you into a Holiday Inn in the middle of a field just outside of Saco (actually got that one through)
-Digging a hole where Westbrook and Gorham now stand creating "The NEW Grand Canyon." Take that Arizona. (Runner-up names included "The Grandest Canyon", "The Biggest Hole In The World", "Resting Place for Young Mainer's Dreams" and (my favorite) "The Grande Canyon," so subtle.)

#2 The University of Southern Maine: Gorham Campus


Here's the pitch:
Let's create a branch of the University of Maine System and try to lure all of the creative, "arty-type kids" with our "art" and "music programs", but get this... let's put it 11 miles outside of the actual city where they could actually get a job, take in culture and otherwise have fun and express themselves. AND (get this there's more) we'll give them a FREE ride to and from the city in an antiquated AMHI bus that runs on a schedule that's completely irrelevant to their class schedules and STOPS running at 10:30 pm. Drank until last call? GOOD LUCK!

WAIT! There's more... Don, tell them what they've won...

Once stranded on our fraternity infested, cinder block concentration campus, we'll provide you with an AMAZING selection of Mal-Fry soaked "onion" rings and/or doughy, undercooked pizza delivered to you by one of the lucky 14 students fortunate enough to actually get into the work study program. Your days will be filled with life changing seminars from a combination of over qualified, underpaid professors (that want to kill themselves every time your class mate says something like "So what Plato is saying is that you should, like, try to be nice to, um, each other and stuff and you should try to look for answers to, um, like, your problems...from...um...within yourself?") or sweaty former jocks that got their teaching degree by accident and are now wearing pleated pants, eating burgers everyday for lunch and are responsible for getting young people interested in the English language (I already didn't really read "Ordinary People" in high school, thank you very much.)

STILL ALIVE? Don't worry, we'll DAZZLE you with entertainment including showing you 3 Fast, 3 Furious on a shitty screen in a lecture hall and we'll get your favorite sucky local band to play in the snack bar every 3rd Wednesday of the month at 7:30 p.m. Now THAT's a party! RIGHT!?!

And when you want to learn more you can go to either:
A: The USM Law Library

Which was designed without the WEIGHT OF THE GODDAMNED BOOKS IN MIND AND DOESN'T HAVE ALL THE RESOURCES YOU NEED IN IT (true), not to mention it's FUCKING ROUND, therefore rendering it a COMPLETELY INEFFICIENT space in which to store SQUARE THINGS (see: BOOKS.)
OOOOOR...
B: The Albert Brenner Glickman Family Library


Three cheers for the designer of this library. HIP HIP!! FUCK OOOOOFFF! Was the model for this building done in LEGOS? Is the actual building MADE out of LEGOS? I had the pleasure of conducting an interview with the designer, Katie Newscomb, Aged 2 1/2, of Buxton, ME, where I really got to the depth of her inspirado.


PRC: Katie, thanks for taking the time!
KN: mah gi wanna feel eo tach!
PRC: Absolutely. So, when you were approached to take this project on what were your initial thoughts? Were you excited to take a break from the teat to take on an endeavor to create an attractive learning environment for some of Maine's brightest up and comers?
KN: *gurgle*
PRC: Priceless. Were you able to strike a deal with the people at LEGO to get a bulk rate on the building materials at a reduced rate, or were you forced to clean out the shelves of every Ames in the state and pay market value? Did you have to pay more for the translucent LEGOS?
KN: mwah...ahhh pount.
PRC: Please, elaborate.
KN: (squints)
PRC: Did you just shit yourself?

#3: The Portland Public Market

I just don't know what went wrong here. We placed an instantly outdated poorly designed building with a pay parking garage attached, right in the middle of a maze of intersections of one way streets and tried to lure Portland's upper crust (of which there are 32) in to buy overpriced Maine Made goods. And ALL within pissing distance of the homeless shelter. I mean, really...where did we go wrong?

My solution? Have the dickless brokers that sold us this piece of shit give all the money they made to the Preble Street Resource center and sit them down right in front of this abandoned house of glass, give them a saws-all, a bib and a table setting and make them EAT every last scrap. Upon completion, we'll all celebrate by sacrificing their daughters at a live performance by OCEAN in Monument Square.

#4: The Unnecessary Stop Sign on the corner of Pine St. and Winter St.


When I confronted Councilman Dave Marshall about this abomination he coyly asked,

"Where do you live?" to which I replied,

"Off Peninsula." To which HE glibly reported.

"Well, my constituents love it." To which I responded,

I've lived in this fucking town, for 15 years. Three of them were on Pine street. I now work in the West End and spend the lion's share of my money there and I can tell you the NO ONE, upon NO FUCKING ONE likes this stop sign.

I'm not sure what constituents he's referring to. Perhaps he was able to ferret out 5 or 6 half dead veterans who "are tired of all these damned kids with their razor bikes blasting through my neighborhood while I try to limp up to Cumby's, probably for the last time, to buy a single serving sized container of skim milk that'll probably go bad because no one comes to see me anymore." Otherwise, the rest of us who are actually trying to function in this neighborhood are made WHITE FUCKING HOT with anger every SINGLE TIME we have to bring our shitty used cars to a COMPLETELY unnecessary stop halfway up Pine St.

Seriously, is councilman Marshall being courted by lobbyists from brake pad companies? No offense Dave, you're a nice guy and all, and I wouldn't want your job in those chambers, but I fucking hate this sign...A LOT.
Runners up:
-The stop sign on Portland Street by the old Natasha's
-The stop sighn on Congress St near Material Objects that spills out into two one way streets that lead AWAY from Congress.
-5 corners near USM LAW (see #2).

#5: The Portland International JETPORT

I've had the pleasure of seeing all of these United States save for North Dakota, Hawaii and Alaska. I've learned many things about our great nation. One of them is that we're the only city with a fucking JETPORT. Where are the Jestons? While we're at it, let's rename Maine Med "The Sick People Get Better Place" and 95 could be called "The Horseless Carriage Path You Can Go Fast On." Come on folks, let's at least give ourselves a fighting chance to not be the pooerst state in the union.

#6 No Chains Except Dunkin' Donuts, Starbucks and Subway in the Uptown.


Time to make me go nuts! Well, even though I can't go to Urban Outfitters or an Apple Store or an American Apparel (or any number of other chains that would actually attract young people to Portland) I can at least rest assured that I'll be able to go into any of these evil fucking empires and pay top dollar for their shitty food and drink.

Nothing makes me feel more at ease with our City planners than seeing toothless, obese women in floral tank tops order Dunkachinos while I can't buy anything of any relevance to the mass youth culture of America without going to South FUCKING Portland. The chains we have downtown suck, and you've forced the people, who by the way are GOING to go these stores one way or another, to drive off peninsula and make their purchases in the Sopes. Time Lag Records, The Queen of Hats, Empire Dine and Dance, Material Objects, Pom's Thai Taste and myself all thank you for the reduced foot traffic. How long until we get a downtown Applebees?

#7: The Station


Nothing, upon nothing makes me want to go see live music less than a cavernous basement club filled with pool tables and white trash. The bar in this "all ages" venue is a half mile from the "stage" and the "sound system" looks and sounds like a gaggle of random gear bought from dance clubs in Old Orchard Beach that closed down. The staff is rude, the re-admittance rules are ridiculous, the beer selection is shitty, there's no good sight lines, it sounds like shit, it's in a strip mall and it is ABSOLUTELY the LAST place I would let my children go unattended. You'd be safer delivering them right to a meth lab in Lewiston. I can't tell you how embarrassed I am that with all the great music in this town, the only places we can invite our younger fans to see us is either at a grange hall or in a grimy shit hole that adults shouldn't even go to (see: The Station). I recently went to see Sondre Lerche play at The Station. Immediately after he played, I approached and told him that I couldn;t believe that
a) he played in Portland, ME (thank you! And)
b) that he played at The Station.

Picture zooming about the whole country in your van, going from city to city and arriving in Portland, ME (at a strip mall) where the only things in walking distance are a Dunkin' Donuts, a Sav-A-Lot and the Cumberland County Jail (I know Buckdancer's Choice and The Drum Shop are in that mall, but I'm trying to illustrate a point here.) More often than not, when on tour, you arrive in time for a sound check (roughly 6:00pm) and then spend the next few hours within a small radius of the place you're playing before the show.

Not being familiar with Portland, Sondre probably had no idea that just up the street were a vibrant array of great restaurants, shops and clubs. Instead, he most likely drove away from Portland thinking "That town is a strip mall and a Greyhound Station." Then he goes back to his agent and says "Portland sucks," because not that many people came out to the show (because no one wants to go to The Station as it's completely off regular concertgoers' radar) and it was in a strip mall. The agent then keeps that in mind and when he's routing tours for My Morning Jacket and MGMT, or whomever he also books, he grazes over Portland in the itinerary because in the back of his mind he's thinking "not worth it." Thus, we get even less touring acts through Portland and are left with cover bands and dinosaur acts (see: Blue Oyster Cult) to get our rocks off to.

What would have happened if Sondre had played SPACE Gallery instead? Perhaps more people would have come? Perhaps Sondre would have had fun and come back? Maybe more bands would tour here as a result. Portland needs to get their liquor licensing together such that The Station isn't the only place where you can have an all ages show with beer service. I can't wait for this place to close. When it does, I'll be the first person standing on it's grave, cackling and rolling around on the ground in sheer GLEE!



#8: GRAB BAG!
The following are a list of things I'd love to see removed from Portland forever.
-Cat Dancer
-The Smoothie Place that's trying to live where Green Mountain Coffee used to reign supreme.
-Everyone who isn't eating lunch in Tommy's Park.
-Bull Feeney's
-Gritty's Beer
-The Old Port
-Everyone who goes to UNA when Royal Hammer ISN'T playing.
-St. Patrick's Day
-Old Port Fest
-1:00am last call
-No late night ANYTHING
-New Year's Eve
-Norm
-That dog art place on Congress
-That bullshit "art" outside of Rosie's that is supposed to look like ocean waves but actually serves as a source of injury for children. Good thing they took away those benches and grass!
-The General Store on Middle St.
-Yoga (not really, I just suck at it.)
-The girl who hits on EVERYONE that walks through the door of the Congo 7-11
-The name and decor of Hot Suppa. The food is so much better than you'd think.
-The Phoenix feeling the need to constantly compare new records and artists by pitting them up against other local artists. It's irrelevant and it doesn't help. We're all just trying to make our way here, ok?
-Guitar Center
-Forest Ave.
-Forest Ave.
-Forest Ave.
-Forest Ave.
-Forest Ave.
-Forest Ave.
-That fucking prick that hangs out with Brendan and tries to make you feel like your band sucks. (no, not Norm, the other guy.)
-The Eastland Park sign that's always broken and reads EATLAND.
-The "Public Transportation System"
-ABC Taxi
-The Stadium
-The lack of poster boards
-Potholes
-White People


Love
-s

blechhhh

I am officially breaking up with both HULU and Gravina.