Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Just a few subtle summer reminders!

We are in the throws of a beautiful Maine summer so I just wanted to remind our campers of a few rules that are being overlooked. I won't mention any names, but you know who you are!

1. Sidewalks are for walking, not cycling (Didn't you learn anything in the other Portland?)
2. Turn signals...use them.
3. Being alone in your Rav4 and blasting electronic music from your shitty system with the sub woofer farting out is more embarrassing that being caught by your mom masturbating at a Justin Bieber concert (while wearing a Dr. Phil T-shirt and eating Taco Bell.)
4. Socks and sandals=nope.
5. "Allowing" scooters, bicycles and pedestrians to go by waving them on at a 4 way stop when it was their turn to go makes you look like...how shall I say this... like an "asshole."
6. Is it ever really so hot that you need to walk shirtless down Congress St?
7. No, I don't have an extra cigarette.
8. Offering people "Summer Jobs for the Environment" by printing 45,000 11x17 posters and stapling them up all over town is, let's say, counterproductive...at best.
9. People from cruise ships won't spend a dime at your restaurant, stop telling your employees differently.
10. Riding your extremely loud Harley down the streets of Portland and blasting the engine sucks for everyone but you. Please report to the nearest old-school bike gang fight. Unless of course you're a lawyer. (It's funny how so often, the people that can afford things are so seldom the people that deserve them.)
11. Dear hipster-punk-rat-hippies: When it warms up, we can smell it.
12. If you're begging for change, you shouldn't have a dog.
13. It might be a little creepy to hang out near the kids fountain/pool in Deering Oaks if you're not with a child. Just sayin'.
14. I have nothing against illegal drugs or their tradespeople. That said, is it too bold of me to suggest that Postman's Park is to obvious a location for free range pharmaceutical vending...especially unprovoked. Let's keep it to a dull roar. If you don't know people personally that sell drugs, you don't probably shouldn't buy them. Likewise the opposite.
15. Remember, if you're running a free outdoor concert series and you get the best bands in Portland to play it for free, make sure to place the beer garden as far away from the stage as possible. That really helps keep the front clear for the crazy people who will give the kids TB.
16. Use sunblock, drink water and be safe out there.


  1. 6. Is it ever really so hot that you need to walk shirtless down Congress St?

    Yes, often when it's 60 degrees in April.

    Actually, I have been intending to get my shit together and create a 'Shirtless in Portland" blog for about 3 years, so people can submit photos of the shirtless-- it's such a bizarre trend that I have only seen here.