Wednesday, April 29, 2009


So this winter's drinking binge has come to a grinding and sobering halt with the realization that myself and my fellow ASSAULT KITCHEN members have done only one thing successfully this winter; gain weight. The end of this sunless, excercise free, freezing and depressing Maine winter was fitfully punctuated by Jon Deitz and Joe Ricchio's Chef Death Match.

A week or so later (but only a few days after we actually finished cleaning up the the shit storm left behind at Joe and Jon's) Joe comes up with a great idea. It's time for him to slow down on the drinking and lose some weight. In typical Ricchio fashion, he treats this like he would any other social situation (lets all stay up until 3:00am drinking and ordering PJ's: of course we're all happy to oblige) he invites (see: ropes) myself, Jon and Matthew Taylor to participate in what we are now calling ASSAULT KITCHEN: Biggest Fatty.

What's ASSAULT KITCHEN? Simply put, AK is Myself, Joe, Jon, Matty, "Bob Piper" and Nolan Stewartinvading your home and cooking your food when you're least expecting it (pilot episode to follow soon.) What's Biggest Fatty? That's us. It's six of Portland's most excessive individuals taking a stand for themselves and entering into a competition to see who can lose the most weight in a month. Why not all six of us? Piper and Nolan couldn't be reached (aka: aren't fat.) Here are the stats:

The 4/25/09 Weigh in:
Matty T. 209 lbs Height 5'10"
Spencer A. 183.6 lbs Height 5'9 1/2"
Joe R. 274.8 lbs Height 6'1"
Jon D. 209.8 lbs Height 6'2"

Clearly I'm at a disadvantage here, whereas Joe could lose 80 pounds and be somewhat closer to his birth weight but if I lost the same, I'd be dead (or a model...hmmmmm.)

Here's what I have going for me.

-Jon isn't actually fat ("This is the worst shape I've ever been in" AKA: "I'm so grossed out by the way my gut is now barely visible over the top of my Calvin Klein boxer/briefs.")

-Joe completely lacks self control ("It's not about drinking less, it's about what you eat.)

-I can actually lose quite a bit of weight by making a few simple adjustments to my diet, exercise regimen and drinking habits.

Against me:

-Matty is a vegetarian who actually jogs (I think I just threw up in my mouth.)

-I'm lazy
-I LOVE beer
-I play soccer but hurt myself EVERY game, thus limiting the amount I can actually exercise the rest of the week.

I've already lost a few pounds since weigh in. My secrets?

-I pooped after weigh in.
-Almost no beer.
-No fast foods (see you later C-Nugs.)
-White meat and vegetables only.
-No sugar in my tea.
-Bike riding/soccer playing. When that's not possible due to injuries I ride my Vespa Ciao because at least it feels like I'm riding my bike.

I'd like to close with a memorial to the friends I'll be leaving behind on this arduous journey.

Bye for now my frosty delicious friend.

You weren't my real papa anyway.

Hummus really isn't a very good substitute.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY. See you in September fatty. Save me some chips.

Unrelated, but REALLY hard to kick.

See you later sitting on the couch and masturbating ALL DAY LONG (Thank you TIVO!)

I think the hardest thing to leave behind will be whole milk. I mean, soy in tea is fine and all, but really it's the creamy smoothness of MILK I really crave. The flavor of milk is just so round in all the right places and the way it's supple sweetness is nearly impossible to erase from my mind...

...wait, sorry, I confused milk with Naiomi Campbell's vagina.

My bad.

1 comment:

  1. first, naomi campbell is going to bludgeon you with a cell phone.
    secondly, you secretly love burton cummings.
    thirdly, I can't NOT flick my bean to whoopi.